No More Secrets

I’m not keeping secrets any more.

Several times, I’ve tried to talk about my real life… but I have trouble finding the words over the voices in my head. The voices shout things like….Don’t embarrass your family. Don’t tell too much. Don’t be negative. Put a positive spin on it so people won't feel bad for you. Be honoring to God. People wont buy from you if they know you're sick. The list is much longer… but, you get my point.

After several attempts to share my real life, but being unable to find a starting point, I’ve decided to come at this from a different viewpoint. In the past, I’ve tried to start at the beginning… but seeing how that is muddled and blurry, it’s almost impossible for me to start there.

So, I start from my current perspective.

A bed.

A Cat

Beads

Paint

And a window.

I’ve been in bed for two days. The short version… Four years ago a doctor accidentally removed part of my urinary tract, my left ureter, instead of removing my ovary. The consequences? Too lengthy to go into today. What I can tell you is that I have issues and it results in seasons where I suffer from cysts that form or infections related to my urinary tract. I hurt. Pain is my constant companion. Because of the pain, I fight feelings of anger that this medical mistake happened. I fight the urge to loathe and wallow in self pity. I fight voices that tell me God is punishing me. I fight demons that tell me death would be such sweet relief.

Before you judge me too harshly, remember, I’m baring my soul here. Be kind to me. Please.

There is an upside, Sarahfide.

Most of the time, I can still paint beads and run a business from bed. In fact, many of you may be dropping your jaws right now, because you didn’t know. Which, in many ways, is how I want it to be. My illness shouldn’t have anything to do with my business… but it does. Sarahfide was born from the bedside of a sick woman. The sick woman being me. In many ways, the woman you see today is because of Sarahfide ~ my jewelry biz. Sarahfide was born because of this medical injury. I started hand making earrings to get me through the day. I am the woman I am today, because of the healing Sarahfide has brought me. One can not exist without the other.

The good news is, I always get better. After bed rest and over the counter IBUProfen, the swelling goes down, the pain dims and I feel normal (my normal) again. 

You might wonder how this affects business… it doesn’t. I have plenty of inventory, so when someone purchases something, I can pull it out of the drawer and ship it. Of course, it does mean that my hubby, John, has to pull out my adorable Sarahfide packaging and tie a pretty little bow; seeing how he was a warehouse manager for almost 15 years, he can handle it. Hopefully I’ve proven, I’m in this… All in. No matter if I’m sick or not.

Opening doors like this always lead to questions…and I want to be an open book. So here’s a little bit more, which might give you some insight into my life and more specifically, my health.

I’ve been as far as the top urologist at Mayo Clinic, there is no fix. I have to learn to live with kidney issues, urinary related infections and my current situation, cysts. This is and how it is. At some point, hopefully a long way off, the pain or a fever will force me to go to the hospital. I’ll be probed and prodded, like I’ve already been 100 times, seriously, I have some crazy stories. Surgery will be discussed and I’ll be encouraged to take medication that will help dull the pain or shrink the cyst or fight off infection, but medication comes at a cost. I know, because I’ve taken them and I’ve taken myself off of them. In all of the cases the medication didn’t seem to work and the side effects were sever. The bottom line, my body will never recover from the internal damage done. I just have to learn to live life, the best I can, and make the most with what I’ve been given. Which by the way…. is a lot. God has given me an amazing supportive husband. So supportive that he purchased my business license and did all the leg work to get me what I needed. God has given me the most amazing daughters who are a breath of fresh air and a HUGE reason I grin and bare it and don’t give into self loathing or drown myself in pain medications. I have parents and siblings that would drop anything and everything to help me, if I needed it. AND!!! I have you. Amazing, supportive, positive women who love me and my creations. Who not only buy my jewelry but wear it proudly. Talk about blessed. God has given me so much. He has been faithful, when I am not.

When I think about God, and His goodness, it’s the number one reason I want to share my real life. The girl you see in the top picture, the beautiful diva decked out in the most amazing jewelry, she’s me.. and the girl in the bed… well, she’s me too. Both pictures are me. Welcome to my real life. No more secrets.

Labeled

There will never be a Mother’s Day, that I don’t think about the women who have heavy hearts, the forced smiles, and the silent tears.

I was married in 1999 and had my first baby in 2008. Year after year, we tried to get pregnant… and nothing. Hundreds of pregnancy tests, because you never use just one. You use the entire pack, hoping… praying for a faint line. My particular medical condition was Endometriosis. At 23 I was labeled - Infertile

In 2007, after doing {IVF} In Vitro Fertilization a second time, John and I conceived. We had one more failed IVF attempt before naturally conceiving our second and third baby.

No matter your circumstances: Not being able to get pregnant, not being able to carry a baby to term, loosing a baby after birth, or loosing a child, please know, I see you. I’m talking to the women who have no children and women who do. We all have a story.

Sadly, I have nothing to offer to help ease your pain… No magic words or potion. I can only offer my prayers, my love, my shoulder. This necklace is dedicated to all of you.

An empty bead, for those who have never known the feeling of being pregnant.

A date, for those who have loved and lost a baby in their womb.

A gray initial, for those who carried a baby in their arms but had to say goodbye to soon.

A black initial, for those who have lost a child, young or old.

I love you and I see you.

~s (You can view this necklace on my site Sarahfide.com)