NEVER TOO OLD TO BE SCHOOLED, BY GOD

Yesterday, I turned 46! Wow. It's hard to believe I'm closer to 50 than 40.😳

Oddly, I don't feel old. I feel like I just got here, and I feel like there is still much to be done!

Since it is my birthday, or at least yesterday was, I've decided to pour my heart out and share what I've been learning in my life recently (Queue the photo of me in front of the school lockers). I plan to never be too old for God to school me.

It's true that I am all about joy and love and creative vibes, but the reality is that I'm human, and sometimes life is hard. 

This might be triggering for some, so feel free to stop reading. 

Short story, several weeks ago, I was sexually assaulted. I genuinely don't want to talk about it, but this is what I do want to say.

I was kind & welcoming.

My kindness was taken advantage of.

I froze. Shock. Disbelief. Confused. Betrayed. Scared. Hurt. Sad.

John acted swiftly, and due to his efforts, the entire ordeal was minor and quickly resolved. 

Guess who I felt the most betrayed by? ........ God.

I'm ashamed to say it... but it's true.

My thoughts:

After everything I've been through and after feeling like I fight for every day I'm given, why would God allow this. 

I say, “fight for every day” because, for those of you who don’t know, life for me hasn’t been easy.

I was born with learning disabilities, which resulted in being bullied and mistreated by teachers and students, which made childhood hard. I was abused for having bad grades.

I dealt with fertility issues that felt like a living nightmare for years, including two failed IVF attempts.

And more recently- six years ago, a surgeon, by mistake, removed my ureter instead of my ovary and it has left me with a lifetime of kidney and bladder issues. It about killed me and might still.

And that’s not all. This is only the stuff I can share… there is much more to my story…

So of course when this happened, I’m thinking…. Doesn't God know I'm tired of being tested. All my life, I’ve been faced with trials, testings, and abuse….. I’M TIRED of it!

Doesn't He see me working as hard as I can to have joy and create joy.

Doesn't he.... love me...

I hear Satan's lies like whispers that lurk in the corners of my mind, trying to convince me that it's okay to give up and give in. -No one will blame you if you just stop being joyful.-

Fast forward... I'm sitting in Sunday School, and we are talking about the miracles of Jesus. Most have heard of the miracle where Jesus fed over 5,000 men -not counting women and children... so it was a lot of people... and He fed them with only five loaves of bread and two fish.  BTW, the reason Jesus fed that many people was because He had been walking around all day healing people one at a time. A large group had gathered to watch. (Not much has changed. We still gather to watch when there is something new or interesting, throwing in some food, makes it that much better!! am I right!) 

Sitting in Sunday School, I had the epiphany.

He could have spoken a word and healed everyone all at the same time, but He didn't.

Is it because He didn't think of it like it never occurred to Him... No!

It's because He wanted to meet each person face to face. It wasn’t really about the illness or the hurt he was healing them of, It was about the relationship, the one-on-one, the closeness.

Eureka!

My brain went through a time warp, and I saw my life on fast forward playing out the scenes, ending on my recent assault... and I remembered an important truth:

God never changes.

He wants a relationship with me, just like He did with each person He healed that day.

He could speak a word, and my entire life would be perfect, void of pain, complete with  happiness, butterflies, and rainbows. But!!! He doesn't do that because He wants me to come to Him, face to face, through my prayers, through my Bible reading, through worship….

I’ll be the first to admit that I seek Him far more when times are hard and I feel like I need Him.

So, I have a choice. I can blame God for the struggles in my life, or I can dig a little deeper and see that God allows trials because it draws me to Him and keeps me close.

-As a jewelry creator, I can absolutely relate to God in this regard. I love seeing how my jewelry is serving its purpose. I love seeing how it looks and feels as time passes. I love hearing how my creation brought joy and made someone smile. 

That being said, I'm only a jewelry creator.... Try to imagine how intensely God feels about His creation.. how intensely God feels about me... about you.

The thought leaves me humbled… and it is easy to silence the whispering lies. Of course, God loves me!! He wants to keep me close to Him because He sees all, knows all, can do all!

Friend, I know that life can be hard... like really, really hard. So much hurt!

God isn't trying to hold you down and beat you up and leave you stranded. He's trying to draw you closer to Him so that you can experience JOY beyond anything this world can offer. Because He is like nothing this world can offer.

He is true kindness. 

He is true love.

He is where you find true JOY.♡